Telephone Tyranny

Miss Manners Advocates Courtesy to Companions Instead of Telephone Thralldom

I could have written Miss Manners' column today--have you read it? (Click on the article title to see it as it appeared in the Washington Post.) I liked the headline given to the column by the Richmond TimesDispatch headline writer-- "Taking phone calls while attending others is rude." Yes, it is! (And making a caller wait while you check to see if a second call might be more interesting is also rude, but that’s a discussion for another day!)

And guess what? Taking phone calls when you should be doing something else can also be the little fox that spoils a day. What happens when the phone rings as the family sits down to dinner? Or if the phone rings just as you've gathered the children for school, or are right in the middle of a history lesson? In our home, voice mail catches it; and the call is returned when it's convenient. Interestingly, most calls require no return call-- they are just a reminder. If answered, they would have interrupted an important activity, but like the mail, they are helpful when dealt with at a suitable time.

What often happens if someone answers the phone in those circumstances? If it's the first part of November, you often get stuck listening to a politician; other times of the year it may be a solicitation from a charitable organization, a survey, or just a random call from a friend or acquaintance.

How often is the phone interruption more important than supper and conversation with your family, or a cuddly reading session with your kids, or a challenging school lesson? If the phone is allowed to interrupt important things, things that matter for a lifetime, your children will learn that nothing—not even family relationships—are more important than attending to the phone god.

If answering the phone interrupts a conversation or important activity with the people who matter most in your life, or if it leaves any companion sitting and waiting, it's rude. Miss Manners blames Alexander Graham Bell's summons to his assistant upon the invention of the "infernal machine" for the "idea that a telephone summons was an imperial command that could not be safely ignored." (From Miss Manners syndicated column, 11/5/05, http://tinyurl.com/boge8.) She marvels that "years of inconsequential blathering have not dispelled that notion."

I want to give the best part of my days to the people and things that are most important to me-- my family and home. To that end, I spend time each week planning how to fit in everything-- support for the son who is job-hunting, homework discussions with the son who's in college, school time for the two who are still in high school, talk-time with my husband, general family time, and care for my 92 y/o mother. That's six people just in our household. Add in a bit of talk-time with the older boys' fiancées, my (very sweet) in-laws, and other family members, plus fellowship time, and the list of people I want to maintain relationships with gets longer. And on top of that, I enjoy some quiet time to start and end each day, in order to refocus my heart. I'm betting that many of you have a similar list of people and things in your life, and maybe even similar goals.

So how can you take care of the people and things that matter most in your life? By deciding exactly who and what they are, and purposing that when you have time to spend with them, you will wholeheartedly be with them. Take it from me, time with your family is short-- my two oldest sons will be married by this time next year, Lord willing. It doesn't seem all that long since they were playing pirates out on the picnic table under a bright autumn maple. I treasure memories of dinners together, books read on the sofa, Lego fortresses built, term papers discussed, and just last week, Frisbee practice out in the driveway (they're better than I am, for sure!). The phone tried to interrupt those times, but we chose to focus on our priorities and to return the calls when convenient. You can do this too!

Three steps toward eliminating the tyranny of the "infernal machine:"

Begin by listing the things you must do and the things you would like to do during your home time. Prioritize according to heart value, allocating the best parts of your day to the people and things that are most important to you, and other things that are your responsibility. With this list of priorities clear in your mind, you can put technology to work for you.

First, invest in a telephone with Caller ID capability, and order the service from your phone company (it’s included if you use cell phones as home phones; usually less than $5 a month otherwise). Caller ID is the most wonderful technological advance since phones were invented—it makes it possible for you to catch any truly important calls, while deferring others to a more convenient time. Important calls include calls from your spouse or children; calls from a relative for whom you are a caregiver; calls from your employer; and calls from customers if you are in a business where you on call for emergency response. Any other call can usually wait until your designated phone time.

Second, invest in an answering machine or voice mail. Either one allows your caller to record a message so that you can call back at a convenient time. Your message can be brief and clear: “Hi! You have reached [however you’d like to identify yourself]. Please leave a message or call back between 3 and 5 PM. Thank you!”

Third, tactfully let others know that there are times when you simply are not available to the phone. I don’t answer the phone before 9 AM, during school, while I am at my mother’s place, or after Donald comes home from work. I also rarely answer if I am in a conversation with someone in the household. This leaves 3-6 PM as the time when I may usually be reached by phone. You may choose another time for your phone time, but the principle is the same—just as you open mail when it’s convenient, you can deal with the phone when it’s convenient.

Homeschooling families should understand this idea—many already implement it. Others may choose not to understand why you are making a change, and that’s unfortunate. However, if you are focused on making time for things that matter, you’ll keep your heart fixed on that goal, and not be derailed by those who don’t understand. I can assure you, based on my own experience, that most people get used to the idea, assume you’re just a little odd, and get over being annoyed.

Be consistent in using the tools of technology—Caller ID and answering machine—and courteous in your manner, and you’ll have more time to spend with the people and things that matter most. Your home will be more peaceful, and you will be acting on your most deeply held values. You’ll even be more courteous to everyone you are with. Miss Manners is certain to approve!
(Copyright 2005- Janice Campbell)